CRISWELL'S TRILOGY OF TERROR
A CRISWELL PRODUCTION
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY CRISWELL
Original score by CRISWELL
Best Boy Grip: Criswell
A TERRIFYING TRIFECTA OF TOTALLY TRUE TERROR TALESSpecial thanks to Criswell
FUCKED UP EVENTS SUCH AS THESE WILL AFFECT YOU IN THE FUCKING FUTURE, BECAUSE IT IS TOO LATE FOR THEM TO AFFECT YOU IN THE PAST, UNLESS THEY ALREADY DID.
"Greetings, bitches! Criswell here. You are interested in this kind of shit, for whatever fucked-up reasons you might have. Perhaps you were molested by your babysitter, or dropped on your head as an infant. Maybe you're just a sick fuck! Now, sit back and digest this terrifying TRUE tale I like to call, "Man Masturbates In Bed, Bath and Beyond Parking Lot, Woman Sees"October 01, 2009 6:08 PM Angel McCurdy Daily News
DESTIN — A man was observed masturbating in the drivers side seat of his vehicle in the parking lot of Bed, Bath and Beyond on East Commons Drive.
The woman told deputies that she was exiting Bed, Bath and Beyond when she saw a sedan next to her car with its engine running, but was unable to see anyone inside, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s report.
As she walked between the two cars she saw a man masturbating in the front seat, and according to the report, “she did see the unknown subject’s sexual organs and she was offended by what she saw.”
Deputies found the 21-year-old man by running the license plate number provided by the woman. He admitted to deputies that he was the person masturbating in the Bed, Bath and Beyond parking lot and admitted that this was the second time he was caught.
The man was arrested for misdemeanor indecent exposure.
"Sweet Gene Vincent! I don't know about you, but that chiller shriveled my scrotum like Texas roadkill in December! Or its counterpart. Well, no sense crying over spilled milk. At least, I hope that's milk. Grab a glass to help you wash down this next gonad gripper that we could only call, 'Naked and Covered in Feces, Man Jumps Into Neighbor's Pool.'"September 30, 2009 3:53 PM
STUART - A Florida man is facing charges after authorities say he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident's back yard and jumped into the pool.
A Martin County Sheriff's Office report shows 21-year-old Robert Stark Higgins was charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft.
The resident told deputies he heard Higgins crash through the screen of his pool and take a splash Saturday night. Authorities say Higgins took a towel and fled. Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home. Higgins told deputies he had been drinking.
"Holy Mexican hairless with bad diarrhea let loose at a Star Trek convention! That's enough of a fright to make you cut off your own private parts, seal them in a box, and mail them to your congressman! Oh, but my friends, I have saved the best for last. If you have not yet dropped dead of fright, call your lawyer and make out your will before you dare to read the horrifying TRUE facts behind the blood-drenched, urine-spattered, dung-encrusted abomination that goes by the name of 'Man Blames Cousin, His Friend 'AJ' For Gas Drive-Off.' Don't say I didn't warn you..."FORT WALTON BEACH — A man wearing a blue and white-striped Polo shirt pulled into the Tom Thumb store on Eglin Parkway to buy gas.
The date was Sept. 2.
A store clerk was in the gas pump area picking up trash as the man finished pumping 8.665 gallons of regular unleaded, valued at $21.39, into his red Dodge and started to get into the car.
The clerk asked the man if he were going to pull into a parking spot in front of the store to pay for the gas.
The man said “Yes.”
The man in fact did pull into a parking spot in front of the store. But when the clerk turned away, so did the man.
In police scanner parlance it’s called a “gas drive-off.”
Later that day, a deputy with the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office tracked down the owner of the red Dodge, a woman, who just happened to be in the car with the suspected gaslifter.
The woman told the deputy the man had been wearing a blue and white-striped Polo shirt earlier in the day when he’d picked her up for lunch, but in a written statement she changed her story, claiming the man wasn’t wearing a shirt at all when he picked her up.
A blue and white-striped Polo shirt was in the back seat of the woman’s car.
As the deputy talked to the man and woman, the man said his cousin had borrowed the woman’s car earlier that day and had driven off from a gas station without paying for the gas.
Later, the man changed his story again, claiming a friend he knew only as “AJ” had borrowed the car, gassed it up, then drove off without paying.
Meanwhile the manager of the Tom Thumb store told lawmen the man in the blue and white-striped Polo shirt had come back about two hours later offering to pay for the gas. The manager said no, the store would prosecute. The man repeated the story he’d told the deputy. The manager said the store would still prosecute. Finally, the man in the blue and white-striped Polo shirt admitted it was he who had stolen the gas. His excuse? He’d forgotten his wallet. He’ll see a judge Oct. 13.
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